Just Step Back…

I feel like I’m walking-

No.

I’m easing much closer to the edge,

Each breath is escaping my body

With less fear and more anticipation

For the things I’ve been planning for some time.

Holding on with the little life left in me,

These handles are so cold but welcoming.

Snappy blues and boats below,

Waiting for my arrival.

Each memory running through my mind

Reminding me of how

I got here.

To this very moment.

Edges of my toes peeking over the edge

Fate is not that far in front of me now…

And then I stop again.

Why am I stopping

NOW?

Wasn’t I so prepared for this?

Did I not just drive this far?

Preparing eleven notes for people

Watching replays of what I’m doing

On the news?

Seeing my photos and remembering

The sight of a smile

From what they thought

Was a very happy girl at one point?

Why the hell did I stop right here,

Right now?

All I gotta do is give myself

A little bit of a push forward.

I never give myself much

Motivation these days,

I don’t always feel like

I deserve it anymore.

There is always a staining feeling of dread.

Emotions always being expressed and shown

From a third person point of view,

But I was rooting for myself to end this-

This painful misery, right?

Throughout the inner repetition of words

Telling me to “just follow through with it.”

“My family is better off without me.”

“My life is over.”

Then out of nowhere,

I mean, literally out of nowhere,

There were these small whispers

Of what I remember hope sounding like.

Of what happiness might be like.

A sight like windshield wipers

Clearing rain off the glass of a fast moving car,

No longer showing the end being here,

But the beginning being behind me.

All I have to do,

Just take a couple steps back.

Breathe…

And just…

Step back…