Manifesting Scalpels from Stardust
Lucy Zhuo
Lucy Zhuo is from Chicago, IL and is a rising fourth year medical student at the University of Michigan Medical School. She is passionate about surgical culture and education. She loves hanging out with her roommate’s cat, tinkering with art projects, and searching for new favorite coffee shops. She will be applying into General Surgery for residency this coming fall. She can be followed on Twitter @lzhuo22.
When I was in elementary school, there was always that one kid in class who wanted to go to space, become president, or go into professional acting. There was something so appealing about the great unknown as a child. To see lands unexplored. To aspire for power, status, beauty, money, self-preservation. To be awed by the magnitude of our dreams. I remember being told that we can be anything we put our minds to.
But as long summers became fleeting years, when did that wonder become fear of the unknown? When did exploring the great unknown stop eliciting anticipation, but curdle into anxiety for what lies ahead? When did it become easier to pump the brakes before the key was even in the ignition?
Maybe it was when they told us that things are far more complicated than they seem.
Maybe it was when they told us that our dreams won’t put food on the table.
Maybe it was when they told us that our best was not enough and will never be enough.
Maybe it was when it seemed pointless to go against the powers that be.
Maybe it was when our dreams were dismissed as too grand or too ordinary for them to matter.
Maybe it was when the doubt loomed greater than the hope that maybe this time, it will work.
When did “they” become “I?” When did I become that dream-crusher?
Reality has a way of unrelentingly grinding your soul to dust. It’s the needling voice that emphasizes the shame, humiliation, and disappointment of failure. The despair that all of your effort was wasted on a pointless, meaningless endeavor. And somehow I’ve indoctrinated myself into the executioner of my dreams.
But my dreams were never meant for anyone else. I get to decide when my dream is fulfilled and the worth of the dreams I choose to pursue. I’m not beholden to the dreams I once aspired for and my dreams can change as I grew up too. The end result might look exactly like how I imagined it as a kid. Maybe it bears no similarity at all. But choosing and chasing my dreams is MY choice and MY choice alone. It was never meant to be decided by or satisfy anyone else.
When I was younger, I dreamed of becoming a magical being, holding clouds like stardust, making forces of nature do my bidding. Now I’ll admit, if taken literally, that dream has yet to manifest itself. But that dream is in the process of becoming a reality. There is something magical in seeing a beating heart before your eyes, being able to physically remove cancer, or giving a new life to someone that otherwise would not have been possible. Becoming a surgeon is the answer to my childhood dreams. And I’ve been told by plenty of folks about how hard the work is, that I’m too nice to be a surgeon, and “what about your future kids?!” So this is a cautionary reminder to not take up the words of the spectators and preemptively crush my dreams before I’ve even begun to truly fly. This dream is one I chose and is mine alone.